The List

I am reading a book called Your Girlfriends Only Know So Much by Finesse Mitchell. He's a comedian. He gives a brother's take on dating for Black women, with a comedian's twist. He offers a little insight into what brothers like when meeting them, good and bad choices for first dates and so forth.

One chapter discusses having a list of things that you want in a partner. Every person who is looking for someone needs to have a list of at least 10 things that are desired in a mate. You should also know which things are negotiable and which are non-negotiable. Know what you can compromise on and what you absolutely cannot deal with.

Your list changes as you get older and mature. As a teenager, my boyfriend list consisted of:

1. Red skinned

2. Tall

3. Cute

4. Plays basketball or football

5. Has money

6. Can dance

7. Funny

8. Sweet

9. Smart

10. Dresses good

The younger/less mature you are, the more superficial your list is. All my friends knew I LOVED me some tall, red-boned guys!! Truth be told, I still do. As a 25 year old, almost 26, my list has evolved to include more mature wants. My husband list now consists of:

1. Christian*

2. Intelligent*

3. Financially secure*

4. Sense of humor*

5. Honest*

6. Considerate*

7. Communicative

8. Romantic

9. Cooks

10. Attractive/Tall

* indicates a non-negotiable

Now, first of all, the list is now entitled: My Husband. I'm getting to that age when I am looking to settle down and stop just having a boyfriend over and over again. I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she said that when when you're dating a man in these ages, you're either breaking up or getting married. That's so true. Either you and I are getting married or we're eventually breaking up. I'm not trying to be breaking up 5 more times. I am looking for a relationship that is lasting for the long haul.

At the top of my list now is Christian. He has to love the Lord and be led by his word. More specifically, he has to be in the Church of Christ. Now if when I meet a man he isn't in the COC, thats ok. But he will be put on notice that when I get married, my husband has to be in the COC. That means he has to be willing to become a member before we walk down the aisle. I wonder if I should only date in the COC, that way I don't even have to worry about trying to "convert" him into my congregation. But does that make me discriminatory against those who may not be in COC now but can be led there in time? Maybe the man for me won't initially be in the COC but will later. I don't know. For now, I just give the disclaimer from the beginning, that way there's no surprises.

Now some things aint going no where. I am going to always desire a tall and attractive man. But, now he doesn't have to be red-skinned. Matter of fact, a good number of the last string of guys that I've been interested in have been chocolate. Some have even been a little shorter than me. I'm always going to want someone who is funny. I like to joke and act silly a lot and I need a man who has a great sense of humor and isn't uptight. Romance is very much related to how much a person admires you, in my eyes. I need to know and be able to see my value to my husband. Whether its a rose on my pillow, a sweet note stuck into my purse or a bubble bath after a long day at work. We all want to feel desired and appreciated by our mates. He still has to have money but not for the superficial reason of buying me things. He needs money so that he can provide for his family and maintain his home. If he can't take care of himself, then how can he take care of anyone else? Last but not least, intelligence is never leaving my list. What do I have in common with someone who knows nothing about anything except Lil' Wayne and where to get weed in the hood? I'm not the smartest chick in the world but I do know a lil something something. I'm not only talking about book smarts but I also mean life smarts.

My new list entries are qualities that I have grown to crave as I've dated men over the years. A man who is considerate of my feelings and my needs is very important to me. Realize that sometimes decisions you make could affect me and consider me when you do things. I also need a man who can be honest with me. Be upfront about yourself and don't try to hide anything. He definitely needs to be able to communicate concerns with me. Nothing is worse than having a problem and never addressing it. It festers and before long you reach the point to where you can't take any more. In that time, you could have announced your problem and worked it out.

A man being able to cook is just a fun little item that I threw in because Lord knows I would love it if my husband could cook dinner a couple of nights out of the week as opposed to me doing it all the time. Plus, I don't know everything about cooking, myself. My husband could teach me a thing or two if he knew how to cook, himself.

If you keep your list in mind and stick to your non-negotiables, it is supposed to help make finding this person go smoother. You won't waste your time on people who don't match what you're looking for. Sometimes I stick to certain people when its clear that they either don't match my list or conflict with a non-negotiable. A lot of times I just hope that something will change. I think I do it because I'm not eager to be back out there with no prospects all over again. (I'll save being a happy single for another blog because truth be told, I'm not yet. There's a book out by T.D. Jakes called Promises From God for Single Women that I want to read. Maybe then I will learn to be.)

I'll sick and tired of the deja vu of men. I just want one that I can be with for the rest of my life.